Learning patience
I had surgery last Friday for advanced carpal tunnel. I decided to get both wrists done at the same time (since they both had to be done eventually). I convinced myself that I would be back to work on Tuesday. Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen.
I was whining to Chris the other night that I just want some MOVEMENT. Our foundation work continues with no end in sight (it’s possible I’m being slightly dramatic). The quarantine continues with no end in sight (not really being dramatic on that one). I continue to recover at such a slow pace that they might as well have just cut off my hands (depends on my mood on whether I will admit that that is dramatic).
This time period right now is one that I wasn’t expecting. And I don’t mean just because of the dumpster fire that 2020 has turned out to be. No one was expecting that. But the time period I mean is the one between deciding to start our lives over and the actual starting over of our lives. Basically, we always knew that 2020 was going to be a year of planning and preparing. But it feels more like a year of sitting and waiting. Things I’m really not great at.
The day of our graduation from Clemson. May 2004.
Chris and I graduated from Clemson in 2004 and moved to Woodbridge, VA, outside of DC. Chris got a job doing computer help desk support for a defense contractor and I got a job as a legal assistant at an energy law firm. I knew I was going to law school so I went ahead and took the LSAT and applied to law schools, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back to school yet. I really wanted a break from school and we thought that a few years in DC was just what we needed.
There were several things wrong with our plan. First, we lived 30 miles outside of DC, so we spent almost 3 hours per day just commuting, which can just suck your soul after awhile. We also had to start paying back college loans and were making very low salaries. Thus, we were BROKE. Like, completely broke. We moved to DC thinking we would be there for a few years until I started law school, but ended up moving back to NC after just 1 year so I wouldn’t lose in-state tuition. Ultimately, while I was not excited to start law school, we were really glad we didn’t stay in DC longer because we were pretty miserable that year. Looking back, I describe that time as treading water. Neither of us were doing what we wanted to be doing in our careers, and it felt like we were just in a holding pattern, waiting on our lives to begin.
That’s what 2020 has felt like so far. We are stuck in this house we don’t want and have all these plans to restart our lives, but we can’t actually start any of them. We can’t do much work on the house because of the ongoing foundation work. And we’re still debating over when we sell the house: do we sell as soon as we can and just rent somewhere (furnished) until we leave? Or do we wait until later fall to sell so we (hopefully) just move as soon as we sell the house?
Chris hanging flowers on our back porch. The saying “putting lipstick on a pig” has never seemed more appropriate.
We can’t travel anywhere to see people and start our “farewell tour,” as I was calling it. Hell, we can’t even go see our families. We’re now wondering if we’re even going to be able to properly say goodbye to our friends before we actually move.
And, to be thoroughly dramatic (in a its-my-blog-and-ill-whine-if-i-want-to), I’m waiting for these stupid wrists to heal. I am 5 days post surgery and the list of what I cannot do includes: cook, shave my legs, dry my hair, open a jar, do laundry, put on makeup (a moot point since I can’t go to work) and type (for more than a short period of time). The pain has been manageable (with meds), but I am very ready to be done with all the weakness and soreness.
So…. patience. Not one of my strong qualities. And it feels like I need a lot of it in all areas of my life right now. I’m ready to go now. I’m ready to sell this house and start our next chapter. After spending so many years figuring out the life we really want to live, it sucks to be stuck in the life we don’t want anymore. And that’s only being a little dramatic.